"Jew, huh? So I guess we'll never really be friends." - Cartman when picking the class
"A Jew from New Jersey? So you are basically Kyle's mom, cool.."
The Jew class has access to many pieces of armor and weaponry that grant bonuses on the Jew's suffering. The armor pieces, which are awarded as the character progresses through the game, grant bonuses based on the negative status conditions the Jew is currently experiencing; for example, they may increase damage dealt for each stack of bleeding afflicting the character. Other bonuses include damage reduction and PP regeneration while bleeding/on fire/grossed out.
Lower-level Jew weaponry isn't particularly strong, but at higher levels the class' weapons will begin to confer bonus Holy-elemental damage, which pierces enemy defenses and is especially effective against Gingers and Nazi Zombies. Many of the Jew's special attacks can be upgraded to gain increased damage when the New Kid has low HP, fitting with the theme of suffering. Thus, curing status effects may not always be a good idea, since the player can turn their suffering upon their opponents to help end any battle quickly. To truly master the Jew class, players must be prepared to risk their life for high damage.
Sling of David
Cost: 6 PP
Description: Cast the first stone at the enemy. Deals more damage if done perfectly, but can lead to self-injury if done improperly.
- PC: Mash A and D. When flash, Left-Click.
- PS3: Spin Left-Stick. When flash, press X.
- 360: Spin Left-Stick. When flash, press A.
Availability: Level 1
Rank 2: Increases the damage of your Sling.
Rank 3: Inflicts Attack Down and Pissed Off, forcing enemies to target you without using special abilities.
Rank 4: Your sling attacks now bounce to a random additional target.
Rank 5: The more damage you have suffered, the more powerful your Sling becomes.
Cost: 8 PP
Description: Utilizes a secret Jewish martial art to pummel your target with a Stunning strike.
Jew-Jitsu deals Holy-element damage by default.
- PC: Mash Left-Click.
- PS3: Mash X.
- 360: Mash A.
Availability: Level 2
Rank 2: Increases damage dealt by your Jew-Jitsu attacks.
Rank 3: The more damage you have suffered, the more powerful Jew-Jitsu becomes.
Rank 4: After a successful attack, you are protected by a divine shield that stops the next hit.
Rank 5: Take another action if Jew-Jitsu knocks out your target.
Cost: 10 PP
Description: Slices off the Armor and Shields of your target while inflicting Bleeding damage to a sensitive area.
- PC: When flash, Left-Click.
- PS3: When flash, press X.
- 360: When flash, press A.
Availability: Level 5
Rank 2: Increases the damage of your Circum-Scythe attacks.
Rank 3: On a perfect success, Circum-Scythe now inflicts two stacks of Bleeding.
Rank 4: Circum-Scythe now inflicts Defense Down.
Rank 5: Your Circum-Scythe now leaves all other enemies Grossed Out.
Cost: 7 PP
Description: Send your dreidel bouncing between random enemies, stripping away all beneficial status effects from all enemies hit.
Whirling Doom deals holy-element damage by default.
- PC: Mash A and D.
- PS3: Spin Left-Stick.
- 360: Spin Left-Stick.
Availability: Level 8
Rank 2: Increases the damage of all dreidel hits.
Rank 3: Dreidel attacks now bounce to more targets.
Rank 4: On a Perfect Success, all negative status effects on the New Kid are cured.
Rank 5: Cleanse your foes with fire, inflicting Burning with all dreidel hits.
Plagues of Egypt
Cost: 20 PP
Description: Summon a mix of Pestilence, Fiery Hail, Frogs, and Flying Insects to deliver woe unto all your enemies.
All four plagues deal Holy damage, but Frogs, Locusts, and Fiery Hail deal damage in multiple smaller hits, while Pestilence deals a single large hit. This means that, against enemies with high armor values, Fiery Hail and Pestilence are best; Pestilence will penetrate the armor, while Fiery hail will shred it, increasing the damage of future attacks. Additionally, each plague confers a different status effect on enemies hit: Frogs inflict Attack Down, Locusts inflict Bleed (one stack per hit), Fiery Hail inflicts Burn/shreds armor, and Pestilence inflicts Gross-Out.
Availability: Level 10
- PC: Click W for Frogs, S for Fiery Hail, A for Pestilence, D for Flying Insects.
- PS3: Push Left-Stick Up for Frogs, Left-Stick Down for Fiery Hail, Left-Stick Left for Pestilence, Left-Stick Right for Flying Insects.
- 360: Push Left-Stick Up for Frogs, Left-Stick Down for Fiery Hail, Left-Stick Left for Pestilence, Left-Stick Right for Flying Insects.
Rank 2: Sinners beware, your plagues now inflict more damage.
Rank 3: Each time you visit Pestilence or Fiery Hail upon your foes, your team gains Attack Up.
Rank 4: Each time you visit Frogs or Flying Insects upon your foes, your team gains Ability Up.
Rank 5: You may visit an additional plague upon the wicked during your turn.
- The Jew class is the only class that goes through physical changes as they rank up throughout the game, in which they gain curly hair on the sides of their faces - an item called "Sidelocks" that appears in the player's inventory under Makeup. This starts when they get promoted to Sir Douchebag.
- The Jew class is also the only class that is needed for an achievement. If the player finds Jesus while playing a Jew, they will get the "Are we Cool?" achievement.
- When the New Kid reaches "King" rank after defeating Clyde, he takes on the appearance of Jesus Christ, who is known as the "King of the Jews."
- Many of the Jew class's special moves are derived from certain attributes of Jews in real life: the Sling of David is based on the story of David and Goliath, the Plagues of Egypt comes from the tale of Moses in the Bible; Whirlwind of Doom involves a dreidel, a toy invented for the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah, and Circum-Scythe is derived from circumcision. The only move that isn't derived from any real-world Jewish stereotypes is Jew-Jitsu, whose name is a play on the name jujitsu, a fighting style from Asia.
- The inclusion of a Jew class in the game makes it fitting, since common enemies are Nazi zombies, and Jews were persecuted by the Nazis in the Second World War.